Congratulate your “former”

On holidays, we sometimes remember our former partners. And the hand reaches for the telephone tube. Call or still not worth?

It was a year ago – in the late evening of December 31, Elena and Stas were sitting at the festive table, which Elena carefully covered in his apartment. “And suddenly I thought:“ And with whom Vadim meets the holiday?” – recalls Elena. – He broke our relationship in early summer. I was offended, almost hated him. Since then, I have never had a desire to find out about him. But for some reason, it was at that moment that I involuntarily reached for the phone. “.

“Close relations with another person are significant for most men and women,” admits family psychologist Inna Schifanova. -And when we, according to tradition, look back into the past and make plans, then, of course, we recall those who walked around for some time with us. But if the memories are our inner reality, then call or, for example, approach and speak, meeting at a party, is an action in which we involve others ”. At least his former, and at the maximum – and the current partner.

Thoughts about whether to call or not call the former (her) mean this: the relationship has not yet been completed to the end

To avoid unforeseen consequences, it is useful not to immediately succumb to the first impulse, but first to understand or at least assume what we expect from another, what we want to get as a result of our actions. Explanation “We are now friends, and friends always congratulate each other” is not good. Former lovers are a completely different type of relationship than partners who have no sexual relations. That’s why…

An attempt to stay friends is self -deception. Our feelings for a partner do not disappear at the moment when we decided to part (especially if he was taken for us). “Time passes before past relations cease to hurt and completely become the past, that is, a memory,” says the clinical psychologist Maxim Tsvetkov. – When this happens, I will look at the one that in the past, as if from the outside. “.

Our experts agree that only after that it makes sense to enter into a relationship with another person. Otherwise, we will have to do a double work: at the same time to complete past relationships and build new. This is a large load, but in practice, such cases are not uncommon. Thoughts about whether to call or not call the former (her), especially if they are persistently repeated, mean this: the relationship has not yet been completed until the end.

But even if we parted by mutual agreement and in the past there are no unspoken reproaches and incomplete conflicts, anyway, “those who were lovers will not be able to become“ just ”friends,” Inna Shifanova emphasizes. -And it is useless to pretend that we do not know something that we really know. Even if the mind tells us that everything has passed, the memory of the body remains. Therefore, we are worried, having heard a familiar voice, catching the usual smell of another, seeing his gestures and a smile. “.

Behave in an adult way

This is the art of building relationships with our former lover, explains the family psychologist Maxim Tsvetkov.

  • While we are alone, the question of the attitude to former lover concerns only our own feelings. Everything changes if we have a new partner. When communication with one does not interfere with the desire to flirt with another (or with others), we remind a small child who reaches for every bright toy. This behavior hurts feelings, destroys our relationship, which, ultimately, causes us pain. An adult is able to distinguish the main thing from the secondary. In the role of adults, we primarily ask ourselves: which relations are more important to us at the moment? It is them that we support and develop them. And from others we can abandon or put ourselves restrictions that we intend to adhere to (call, and not go to visit; talk no longer than a minute …).
  • Divorced spouses who have common children often maintain friendly relations. But if one of them (or both) has a new partner, they should discuss in advance with him and with their former plans for the New Year, so that they then do not become a surprise to anyone.
  • Undeveloped behavior is also manifested in jealousy to the past of our partners. For example, when we arrange scenes, hearing them respond to phone calls. A sense of property, the desire to control the behavior of another, to make him follow our desires in everything-a consequence of the misunderstanding of his own boundaries, the inability to separate the “I” from “NO-I”. The most dangerous feeling in this situation is anger. It was as if he was aimed at the interlocutors of our partner, but in reality he “gets” by the partner himself. Anger is destructive, and our relationship can suffer greatly. A developed self -esteem will help to glorify him. Remember Hippolytus from the Irony of Fate* – first he is angry with his bride Nadia, then he gets drunk and pity himself. As a result, the wedding is canceled. His behavior is a vivid example of how you should not behave. And if he kept calm and self -esteem, then the story could end with his triumph and shame with the opponent.

If we already have another partner, it makes sense to ask ourselves if we want to endanger this connection. And if there are no new relationships, the higher the likelihood that, beyond the desire to remind the “former” about itself, can be hidden Our true ..

Hvordan bruger jeg en erektionsring? Der er tre hovedmuligheder til at bare erektionsringen: pa tonden pa penis, baseret pa konsorganerne (ringen fanger pikken sammen med testiklerne) pa pungen. For sex med en partner er den cialis behagelige den forste mulighed: Ringen, der er sat pa et medlems tonde, vil vare behagelig at stimulere klitoris, hvilket forer til en orgasme. For mand vil ringen under alle omstandigheder bruge i forlangelsen af ​​loven og opretholde erektionen.

The desire to resume relationships. We part with our partners for various reasons. Lack of common goals, a deep conflict, and maybe just a flash of anger. And some time after parting, when mutual insults subside, the couple can make an attempt to recover. Especially if the new strong relations did not arise. “The second attempt is not uncommon,” says Maxim Tsvetkov. “It is not a fact that it will be more successful, but this happens often.”. Thinking about the “former”, most often we recall not the reasons why we parted, but the time when everything was fine with us. Why is that?

“Love is a myth of another person created by our imagination,” Inna Schifanova thinks. – We create it, we change it. Each of us is the author, actor and viewer of the history of our love. And, as in the play, the lantern grabs one or the other, depending on our priorities and moods. “. The prerequisites that prompted us to connect in a pair with a high probability did not disappear. And the dissimilarity of the characters or the conflict … It may seem to us that we and (or) our partner during the time that has passed since the part of part has gained new experience and the ability not to repeat the old mistakes. The question is how much our “former” shares our aspirations.

You can really find out about this only on experience. It is not necessary to ask a direct question. But not so rarely, pronouncing a formal congratulation, we listen not so much in response as to intonation: it is important for us how the interlocutor will respond whether there will be dry and brief or want to talk in detail. From this we hope to conclude how ready he is to bring together. Sometimes we would be pleased if he wanted to regain relationships, even if we ourselves are not striving for this at all. So we hope ..

Increase your self -esteem. Typically, women are more likely than men, tend to doubt their own attractiveness, Inna Schifanova notes. Therefore, we often want to make sure that we were not a passing episode, to confirm our value and uniqueness, to see that we left a significant mark in the life of our partner. Perhaps this hides increased dependence on someone else’s opinion. In this case, it is possible that it is better not to call the “former”, but to find in ourselves, in our life, “something that we can respect ourselves for ourselves,” advises Maxim Tsvetkov.

Painful experiences after the gap, if they could not live to the end, can push us to the vengeful desire to assure us that the former partner is still another thing that he was unlucky and the New Year will not be joyful for him. This is bad for us only because anger aimed at another is nevertheless contained in our own soul. And it can corrode it, poisoning not at all, but our inner life. It is believed that we are not powerful over our feelings, but this does not fully correspond to the truth.

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